@robyn_vo: According to my cousin's diploma, he graduated from an "Institute of Fine Farts" because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
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@smilely_gal: 5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl's.
@panmidwest: FRIEND: hey while I'm on vacation can you come over and feed the cat? ME: FRIEND: ME: to what?
@ehdannyboy: Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
@mynameshank: Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor's outdoor Christmas decorations.