According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
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You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.