According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
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OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!