According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
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the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck