@tayandmae: According to my current parking spot I'm a physician
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@senderblock23: "You know who else loved carbs? Hitler." - excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation
@TheRobCee: "I need a car. What do you have?" "Well, we have a Subaru Outback" "But what kind of Subaru?" "Outback" "I don't CARE where you keep it..."
@robfee: Everyone in horror movies: *Loud scream* It was probably just the wind. *Ghost flies across room* Just the wind. *Dog gets cut in half* Wind
@13spencer: Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn't think he knew the word "no."