Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
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Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on