@Marlebean: As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar... frozen. OK IT WAS ICE CREAM! FitFam?

@shkeeber: Me: *puts ferret in box with cat* Mom: What are you doing? Me: Making carrets! Mom: Carrots? Me: Yup! *plays Barry White* Cat: *yowls*

@bathflyer: My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he's swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

@_blotty: [ocean's 11 music] So here's the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it's a cash playground boys

@girl_a_whirl: [Catholic church] *priest hands out "What To Expect At Your Exorcism" Husband: Babe, this isn't counseling Me: You said you'd try anything