kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
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Well, that didn’t work.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Yup….perfect score!
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]