@StarWarsProblms: Anakin: How do we get in? Obi-Wan: We'll be stealthy. *turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

@weinerdog4life: *releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

@therealeatwood: ME: Leave me alone! You’re not my real dad! CRAWDAD: [patiently] I am doing my best to raise you on my own. Now eat your plankton.

@dafloydsta: Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents

@lecalabara: Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.