@CerebralWreck: According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex's house.
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@Douchekevin: When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- 'all of it' wasn't as funny to him as it was to me.
@Rollmaninoz: [pet store] Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
@Vodkantots: In some cultures, it's considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby. I'd be considered proper there. Probably.