There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
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Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked