@CerebralWreck: According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex's house.
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@Tmoney68: Her: I'm really into eating clean. Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
@alispagnola: Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren't supposed to make you dumber.
@kimwilliamz: The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.