@PJTLynch: How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

@ItsDumbTweets:

@trentistweeting: [first date] ME: one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think the world revolves around them MY DATE, WHO IS THE SUN: i see

@josh___grant: My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

@vexroid: Me: Did you play video games all day? 9: No Me: What else did you do? 9: I ate lunch