Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
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surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.