@topaz_kell: According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
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@Smug_Lemur: Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
@MeatyPunk: "FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1 FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2"
@13spencer: You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
@mellimelle: Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can't say no because they're my husband & children.