@LackOfShame: [text from friend) Her: You doing okay? Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

@MouthOfSass: Just found some clothes my ex left here. Perfect timing since I'm out of toilet paper.

@bingowings14: No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I'm yak toes intolerant.

@GoldenSpirals: Apparently... Border Security does NOT think it's funny when you reply, "I'm hungry" when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

@capnmcfword: I wasn't trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.