wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.