@tayandmae: According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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@Tmoney68: FYI - They won't let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
@DaddyJew: Drug dealer: were you followed? Me: doubt it, I tweeted a bunch of lame inspirational shit to throw them off my scent
@AndrewChamings: genie: are you sure? me: just do it *my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
@Dutch_50: I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I'm in big trouble.