@tayandmae: According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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@UnFitz: Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas... Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world. Her: Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
@FrazzleMyGimp: MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night. ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no. [meanwhile in ufo] ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around? DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: 7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose? Me: Is it already— 7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
@SaltyCorpse: This guy in this waiting room is talking to me. I'm gonna marry him so he'll leave me alone.