According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Damn he played himself
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.