According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
You Might Also Like
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*