According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
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Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.