@kelkulus: According to my laptop, my New Year's resolution is 1680 x 1050.
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@badbanana: Immortality would suck. I don't want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
@JasonLastname: If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you'll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
@funnyfries: I just met a woman who told me she had "trouble keeping weight on" in times of stress. I ate her.
@rickolantern: *replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one...watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd