If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
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Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.