Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
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Note to self: I am a note
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
😅😅😅
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!