how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
You Might Also Like
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?