First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”