The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
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House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“you changed” bro i was 15
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring