According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
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I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.