U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
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Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I think I’ll stand
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.