@underchilde: According to my therapist, I should try dating a woman he isn’t married to.
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@dumbbeezie: I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
@dykezuIa: me: i hate buzzfeed buzzfeed: which type of bread are you? [QUIZ] me: damn... what kinda bread AM i...
@gerryhallcomedy: My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She'll have cereal.
@Cpin42: I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.