Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
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I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~