According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
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My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.