My dog when she hears popcorn popping
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I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
WTF
They got a point!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Woke up against my better judgement again
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers