@SweetTweetsBRO: I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.

@AimeeHelene1: (what they said) Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane. (what I heard) Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

@cathisamazing: I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

@SardonicTart: "Act your age!" I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

@SHOWERTHlNKING: What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?