MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
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#ParentingFacts
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends