@daemonic3: Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat's back & everyone wonders why you're naked.

@Iwriteforcats: Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

@BeardSpice: *loses 100 pounds in the US* yes *loses 100 pounds in England* no

@liz_buckley: People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago.

@CornOnTheGoblin: [leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn't know they were going to do that "Just take me home"