@UglyProbIemz: ppl: are u sick? me: no, im just ugly

@iamspacegirl: [answering door on halloween] NEIGHBORHOOD MOM: please stop giving the children hamsters ME *hands full of hamsters*: but it's Halloween

@iheartgunts: Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

@byrdie_num_num: It's now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, 'trophy wife' has become rather ambiguous.

@shenanigansen: