According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
You Might Also Like
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]