According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
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*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting