According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment