According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*