According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
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HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
All set.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back