According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
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My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.