According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
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*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?