According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary