If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
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Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I would like even faster food.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*