People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
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{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?