[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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They’re called werewolves.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube