journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
You Might Also Like
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Is this you?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”