@Parentpains: According to the police report, waking up in your lover's arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.
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@thepunningman: "What's that?" I call it a 'knife' "Wow, that's the best thing since bread!" Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
@WheelTod: Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase "I always give 110%", so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
@Home_Halfway: WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
@FlyJ_: My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.