According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
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[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
#milo
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*