According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
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*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.