According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
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It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
The Onion called it…again.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.