According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
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*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I’m already scared
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Good point.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
called in thicc to work this morning
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that