@DurtMcHurtt: According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
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@Amusitr0n: Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he's swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
@_The_Man__: wife: im pregnant me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments wife: im the mother me: this is what I'm talking about
@Jay1972Jay: My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now. I need a drink.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said "vase" wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.