@DurtMcHurtt: According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
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@SimonNRicketts: BIDEN: I'mma punch him when he comes here. OBAMA: No, Joe. Don't do that. BIDEN: Punch him round the back. OBAMA: Joe. BIDEN: Kick, then.
@omgthatspunny: My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology.
@slimmy_shady: Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that's not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
@E_lok44: *puts down window Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Yes *puts up window and drives away