@DurtMcHurtt: According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
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@david8hughes: [wearing World's Best Dad shirt] Wife: whys there blood on your shirt? Me: its not my blood Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
@HatfieldAnne: “His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
@SaraMansford: Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.
@jdforshort: 4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil. This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.