@DurtMcHurtt: According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
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@TheDreamGhoul: [inventing the parrot] HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
@Eric_Bader: Isn't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.
@headway10: Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: "Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!" Grandpa: "It's pronounced a Quiche, dear!"