@DurtMcHurtt: According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
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@FrenulumBreve: [Man in restaurant] I'll have that lobster please. *points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
@TeaPartyCat: Duck Dynasty guy is right-- if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
@The_JRM: 5yo's pretending she's a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the "toilet's too cold."