According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
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No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.