According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
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Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
it is time once again
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.