According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
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The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
never ask a starfish for directions
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?