@KevinFarzad: According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that's why it's so tragically hard to meet
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@5exyunchained: It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
@samfromks: *Holds centipede up to your cheek as you're sleeping and whispers* Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet...
@Matt_the_1st: It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
@RamblingMachine: If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.