According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
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I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Don’t tell me what to do
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.