According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that's why it's so tragically hard to meet

@punished_picnic: For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

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@MichaelTrying: “His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.” -an obituary

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@topaz_kell: I'm in a constant battle between wanting a hot body and wanting a hot fudge sundae.

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@Scdavis24: Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren't your pants. Give them back to your sister.

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@Thrill_Tweeter: H: "What do you want for Valentine's Day?" "A puppy." "Pick something else." "A different puppy."

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