@5exyunchained: It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

@samfromks: *Holds centipede up to your cheek as you're sleeping and whispers* Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet...

@Matt_the_1st: It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

@RamblingMachine: If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.

@robdelaney: 9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.