@KevinFarzad: According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that's why it's so tragically hard to meet
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@markhoppus: trying to convince my mom that when someone texts her a joke, if it's REALLY funny, convention is to reply with three eggplant emojis.
@DirtMcTurd: Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
@ShesARealGenius: [Snail Court] Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor? Snail Judge: I'm sorry; we don't have that kind of time.
@rxysurfchic: i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task