@KevinFarzad: According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that's why it's so tragically hard to meet
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@SmurfetteDE: Hey people - learn to spell!!! I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
@DrDogMD: NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick! DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don't you knock?!? *hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
@ihateitmunky: a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i'm wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket
@Amburglar_: According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.