According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
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I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]