COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
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Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Breaking news:
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.