@TheFactsBook: According to U.S. FDA standards, 1 cup of orange juice is allowed to contain 10 fruit fly eggs, but only 2 maggots.
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@seandunn76: Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn't go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
@KingRainhead: I thought "ghosting" was when you slowly tricked someone you didn't like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
@Parentpains: When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.
@ExtraGrumpyCat: This year I'm going to put the mistletoe in my back pocket, so people I hate can kiss my ass.