@mrtruthandsoul: According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
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@markleggett: My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.
@QwertyJones3: "My brother's coming over for dinner." Ugh, is he still talking only in country names? *brother walks in* "Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?"
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Damn dog is under the covers again! Wife: No she's not. She's next to the bed. Me: Oh. Wife: ... Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
@mattZillaaaa: I work with some really great people. They're reliable, they're honest and they never cause any problems. I don't fit in at all.