@mrtruthandsoul: According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
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@HeatherLuvsYou: I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they're working. I call it "cooking"
@cbdoubleu: "Are you seeing anyone?" Me: lately I've been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision. Floaty thing: We're just friends.
@KateWhineHall: Really, there's no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
@MichaelTrying: My calendar says there's a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you'd think people would be more excited.